Getting back on track......

Derailment....wicktionary describes it as:

derailment (plural derailments)

1. (rail transport) The action of a locomotive or train leaving the rails along which it runs

Usually the train is running along on course, all systems go, following the path of the track.  Then out of nowhere the train hits something, abruptly stopping the engine, and one by one the cars leave the track. The resulting wreckage compounds the initial collision leaving more damage and destruction in its wake.

It seems this is exactly what has occurred in my quest for fat loss and improved fitness. March brought  a period of career uncertainty followed by starting a new role in April - a role I love but with weekly overnight travel. Suddenly all the habits I'd developed, the lifestyle changes I'd adopted over the previous 18 months began to derail. No consistent schedule made following a defined training program more difficult. Being away from home meant being away from my scale, so weighing, monitoring my progress, turned into weekly, turned into not at all. Travel brought more restaurant food. Much more. And with it  an "I'm on vacation" attitude - why not an order of fries, I'm traveling. How about an extra few beers, no biggie.

When I was home I found myself feeling guilty about the time spent away. Which made me increasingly reluctant to use home "family" time to work out. I stopped going to yoga. Not being able to follow a consistent schedule, regimented program for strength training meant with my all or nothing attitude, I stopped lifting entirely. The long solitary walks/runs and bike rides that I used to clear my head and shake off stress meant time away from family - and they stopped. Initially I did take advantage  travel nights away to enjoy long walks in the towns I visit, but I've found those becoming fewer and fewer. Meanwhile, the travel style junk food eating and drinking began to creep into my everyday home life also.

One by one my goals from January were not met. Instead of losing weight I gained it. Triathlon season came and went. While I did manage to drag myself through the Rock n Roll Chicago half marathon in August, I did it in my worst time. In March I was on the brink of moving down to a size 10, now my size 12s are too tight, I'm finding myself pulling out the 14s. I've even passed the weight I swore I would never, ever see again on the scale.

And I've blamed this all on traveling.

But I know if I'm honest with myself that's not all of it. By mid-February I'd hit my lowest weight in many years. With the exception of 3 or so years in my 20's, within a few pounds of lowest weight/size I'd been as an adult. At the time I told myself, I needed a diet/training break. Needed to just "maintain" for a while. What I needed to do was come to grips with how I'd changed. How both the weight I'd lost and more importantly my new healthier lifestyle had changed me, my relationships, the way friends and family, co-workers and strangers relate to me. How the changes in me can be at the same time threatening and inspiring to those who know and love me.

And with that I still struggle. We struggle.

I know that I'm not the skinny fat girl of my mid-20's. At one point, nearly 75 lbs less than my current weight. In a size 4. Weight lost after a particularly traumatic time/incident of my life. Maintained through an unhealthy lifestyle. Somewhat lost and off track. Funny, how few pictures I have from those years....when I had the body I'd always dreamed of. How intertwined this body image is with the poor decisions and bad behavior of this time of my life. And how much that scares me away from moving forward on this weight loss journey.

 

But even more frightening is going backward. I am no longer the obese and sedentary woman I'd become in my 30's and into my 40's. Numb. Sedate. Not happy with myself. Always aware I was one of the heaviest in the room. Always wondering if my weight was holding me back professionally, personally.

So where am I? Who am I? I know that I've changed, am still changing. Tired of being stuck in a place afraid to move forward, terrified of going backwards. Most importantly, know that going backwards is not an option - but if I don't take some concrete steps, exactly where I am headed. Know that *my* being fit, healthy and active is best not only for my physical health, but also my mental state.  I must to go back to fitting in time for me, back to making my health a priority in my life. I must let go of feeling guilty for spending time working out, guilty for making the food choices necessary to lose the rest of this weight. Find a way to hold myself accountable for my actions and decisions.

Must stop sitting on the couch all night - disgusted with myself; beginning to resent those around me, as if they were forcing me to eat too much, drink too much, be a slug. They aren't. They are nothing but supportive. Still, I must continue to assure my family that these changes are not a threat. That being a bit selfish is necessary for me, but also for them. I cannot become numb again.

This self-portrait from last March hints at this new Kim. Strong. Athletic. Wanting to tackle the world. Wanting to be a warrior. I just need to let her out. I owe that to her. To me.

Fuzzy math......

It's all about calories in vs. calories out. So simple, right???

There's so much more to this fat loss thing. When I first started, when I was 100 pounds overweight, just changing my eating habits (giving up fast food, eating as clean as possible - staying away from processed foods) and beginning a regular exercise program was all I needed to drop the first 20-25 lbs. Then I stalled. For three months no real change. Doctor told me not to worry, in his mind I'd just lost nearly 10% of my body weight, needed to give my body a chance to re-set.

But what I really needed was a better understanding of my calories in versus calories out - and then also an understanding that even doing that math; weight loss is not linear. I can't just assume that for every 3500 calories I don't eat versus what I burn, I will lose a pound, more specifically a pound of fat. Other factors can be at play...that at certain times I retain more water (hormonal, eating too many carbs, inflammation from a heavy strength training session, or even "cloaking" where your body fills the space of the empty fat cells with water temporarily). But over time it is a good guide, provided you really know what is going in and what is being burned. And that's why when I am succeeding at dropping pounds, I do it not just by upping the workouts. Those are a factor - hell, I sit on my butt in front of a computer most days. Without working out, I'm lucky to burn 2000 calories in a day. But it is not until I meticulously plan my food, weigh (yes, on a scale, not measure with cups) my portions, journal all food and activity that things really start happening.

Yes, that all sucks. Yes, it is time consuming. But most importantly, yes, it works.

This week's results and fancy graphs.

Weight down 2.2lbs. I'd been suspecting a little bit of cloaking because while I haven't been hitting my avg deficit goal of 750 calories a day, I have been in a deficit for nearly three weeks with zero scale movements. Had a little mini-whoosh (fancy weight loss term for the retained water suddenly going away). Glad to see today's number because it is the lowest I've been since before we started doing the Body for Life weight training - and means I've dropped below the start weight, even with the expected glycogen load of beginning a program. (and am back to a pre-holiday weight).

I've done better at hitting my burn targets, the activity goals and steps per day. But must really must get tighter on the diet. I know, sounds like a broken record from last week. The last two weeks deficit will probably only bring me a bit under a pound a week average loss. Hoping to pick that pace up a bit for the next few months. I want to be out of the suck of fat loss, and into the journey of maintenance, of body recomp, of training for endurance events.

Hello 2010.........

Time for the official 2010 Resolutions, er, Goal Setting. I really hate to call these resolutions, as I've blown off far too many resolutions in the past. In fact, I'm not sure I have ever kept a New Year's resolution. However, I do believe in the power of publicly setting goals, creating a plan to hit the goals, and then publicly holding yourself accountable to those goals and plans. In that spirit, here are my goals for 2010:

• Lose 100 pounds*
• Continue to challenge myself physically via endurance events
• Get that damn scuba license
• Get my garden mojo back
• Make this the year of the purge
• Blog 

* OK, so the lose 100 pounds one is a bit deceiving. It's really complete the 100 pounds, which means lose 35 more in 2010. After meeting the original goal of losing 65 lbs, and being able to wear a size 12, I've been in a 6 month stall - or more positively stated a maintenance period. Time to stop flirting with that 100 lb number and get to it!!

The details and the plans:

 Balancing those first two will be slightly tricky. For the first 3 months of the year, I will focus on the fat loss. Oh, and the scuba thing. Don't expect to get all 35 pounds in the three months - that would not be realistic, 15 or so would be good.

I've learned so much about my body in the past 18 months. I know that I am most consistent in weight loss at 1 - 1.5lbs a week driven by an average 750 calorie a day deficit while eating high protein, a decent amount of healthy fats and filling in the remaining calories with carbs. That I must plan my meals, weigh and log my food. The sweet spot for me seems to be eating around 1500-1600 calories a day while burning 2400-2500 for 6 days a week, plus one day at maintenance (approx. same calories in as out, maybe 100-200 calories over). 

I know that in my efforts to burn calories, I can easily over train. That maintaining that calorie deficit saps my power, and ability to train hard. Overtraining for me has lead to inability to sleep, injury (Trochanteric bursitis), weight loss stalls driven by screwed up hormones and Cortisol, or big slips to diet. I had best success doing moderate strength training 2-3 times a week, plus steady state cardio at a moderate level 3 times a week (ok, so I throw in some intervals, but not HIIT). A regular yoga practice seems to ground me and keep me centered - not to mention improves balance (as in physical, not life- though I'd argue it does that also). 

Finally, I know that Speedy Gonzales I am not, nor will ever be. I saw that way back in high school when I attempted to swim competitively. I can get in a groove and go and go, but sprinting, just isn't in me. Still I love getting in that groove, pushing myself to my limits. April - September will be focused on endurance events, eating much closer to maintenance, slowing the fat loss to focus on training. I'll end the year finishing up any remaining fat loss- or if I've hit that goal already, focusing on body recomp, muscle development. 

I plan on doing this via the following events in 2010:

Half Marathons - Country Music in Nashville April 24th and Rock n Roll Chicago on August 2. These are becoming family traditions. Last year, I did Nashville in 3:39 (yes, I walk - and my dear brother, Jeff, stayed right there with me pushing me on - despite the fact it was over an hour longer than his previous time) and Chicago in 3:07 (Jeff did this one in 1:58 and hubby Steve did his first in 3:34). This year my goals are to start the season by breaking 3 hours in Nashville, and training to hit or beat a 2:45 pace in Chicago.

Triathlons - Want to do two sprint length triathlons (1/4 swim, 15mile bike, 3.1mile run). First will be the Pewaukee one on July 11th. I've also got my eye on the Danskin Chicagoland Tri August 21/22.

Duathlon - End the season with the Dousman Duathlon on September 19th. This one scares me the most - run 2miles, bike 20 miles, run 2 miles.

I have no clue on times to shoot for on the tris or the duathlon. As with my first half marathon, finishing will be a victory. In a side note: my 10yo son will be doing the children's marathon in Nashville (run 25 miles the prior month, finish the 1.2 miles on the marathon course the night before the grown up race), and the Pewaukee tri in his age division. Hubby will be doing the half marathons.

Scuba one should be knocked off before my birthday in March (it is a big birthday, and this is my present to myself). I am taking the class part Feb 5-7 and then an open water referral when we go to Mexico first week of March.


The gardening one and the year of the purge are both home related. I have been such a passionate gardener in the past. And since we moved to this house haven’t gotten back in touch with that piece of me. I’ve been a bit unsettled, not ready to tackle this mess of an overgrown landscape. I’m breaking it down to area, letting go of the need to do it all which has paralyzed me so far. This winter I will develop a starting master plan, and decide which areas to tackle this year.

There will be more to follow.

Which leads to the blog one. I enjoy writing this blog – and also know that keeping some sort of public log will keep me on track towards all of this. My blog goal is minimum of two posts per week. One a fitness/fat loss log, the other garden related – because a blog called GardenKim really should have something, garden related. Any more is a bonus…..

Like ripples in a pond..............

I've frequently read of the influence of those around us on our lifestyle choices - or looked at in reverse, how our lifestyle choices can influence those around us. It's like the ripples in a pond: when you toss in a stone, and cause concentric circles to move out from the center. As I think about the changes I've made over the last year and a half, I see these influences. They are both inward to me, and outward to those around me.

My first influences and motivators were my brother, Jeff, and sister-in-law Gina. In April of 2008, they ran Nashville's Country Music Marathon. They started talking about (and following) a variety of workout programs. At the same time, I was leading a very sedentary lifestyle -hitting my highest weight ever, and realizing that this weight was affecting my health. I had borderline high blood pressure, high cholesterol, which combined with being at a BMI considered obese led me to being turned down for additional life insurance. I was floored. In my 40's, and denied life insurance?!? I knew it was time to make changes. I learned about eating clean from them, about Body for Life, Turbulence training, Chalean, Px90 and most importantly for my journey was being pointed towards Leigh Peele and her Fatloss Troubleshoot program.

Later I discovered that my cousin Chris and his wife Kalli both followed a regular strength training / cardio regime. It was nice to have another set of folks to bounce ideas off, to hear of their routines, to add more folks in my life who already lived the lifestyle I was aiming to live.

On-line support systems followed. The forums at jpfitness brought another group into my life. Folks who worked out regularly, who weighed their food, who wore the calorie tracking device, gowearfit, I'd begun to wear. I learned so much reading others' fitness logs, beginning to keep my own, reading all the questions in the Fatloss Troubleshoot section, answering a few myself. Learned of "new Rules for Lifting", New Rules for Lifting for Women". More like minded people, more good influences, more support.

At work, I discovered people into yoga, several into various forms of cycling - from road to mountain, a women about to do her first triathlon. All of these influenced my choices. Kathy, a co-worker and yoga teacher, taught me so much about body awareness, the importance of balance. The cyclists introduced me to the sport that has become a love of mine.

Twitter was next, finding interesting fitness minded folks to follow. The occasional post about my workouts, my current activities. Recently, I've been fortunate enough to meet one of my twitter "friends" and join her in a great combination cycling/strength training class. Meeting the coach of that class, a female former triathlete has been an added bonus. I'm looking forward to seeing where these two new friendships could lead me.

Then remarkably folks around me started to ask me for fitness and diet advice. Really, me? They noticed the changes (in my body and my attitude). Over time I realized I was becoming an influence on others, one of those ripples in other people's ponds.

I needed all of this, all these people and their influences to hit my first set of goals - which were to lose 60 lbs and get all those health readings in line. Both of which I did. Blood pressure is an un-medicated 120/78, cholesterol has dropped to 165 (from 248, not bad, huh?), 65lbs gone. Two half marathons completed. A whole new lease of life.

But I realize now those goals weren't enough. That I still need to lose 30-40 pounds to get my body where I want it. That I want to challenge myself to complete a triathlon, to complete those half marathons at a much faster pace, to ride a century (100 miles in a day) on my bike. So much left to do. And maybe by discussing it all in this blog, I can throw a few more pebbles in a few more ponds!